I was hanging out in the model room the other night. My pal said he would be coming around so that we could grock the new models that have just arrived, so I put some Dorp on the stereo and checked the stock of brews in the fridge. A knock at the door – ah, that must be him now! I opened the door … Hey, what the #%!£$?!!! … It’s OK readers, calm down – no one is going to get hurt! I am Mrs Grumpy and I have hijacked this page. He is tied up and gagged and he won’t be giving us any trouble. The time has come for you to …

Know The Truth About Grumpy!

First you need to understand that what he says and what he does are two vastly different things. From time to time he tells you that he cleans his model room. Wrong! That slum has never seen a broom! If there is one thing that is bigger than his pile of half-built kits, it’s his pile of old pizza boxes and beer cans. He’s a slob and he’s work-shy. I mean, has he ever started a column with, “I was mowing the lawn the other day” or “Yesterday when I washed the car” or even “I was cleaning the barbeque last week”? No – never!!! All he does is hang out in the model room listening to that stuff he laughingly refers to as music!

Which is my next point! He’s never heard of Mozart, Beethoven, Frank Sinatra or even Cliff Richard. To him, a band is not worth listening to if its name does not contain words like Black, Loathe, Death, Fatal or Attack. And if the main instrument in the band is an angle grinder, he is as happy as a redneck in a gunshop!

Give him his due, he does talk the truth when it comes to his mates. They are always hanging around the house and they are always consuming beers. In fact, he and his mates think that the three basic food groups are lager, pilsner and draught. They also refuse to eat anything that does not come in a big flat box, delivered by a guy on a scooter, wearing a ridiculous hat!

Hey, I’m sure you guys don’t want to hear about all this. You want to hear about models – so, I’ll tell you about his models. When you look at the way he builds, you would think that this website should be called “Lazy’s Garage” instead of “Grumpy’s Garage” (but that wouldn’t sound as catchy, would it?).

Anyway, back to his models! He has four basic principles that apply to everything he builds.

Firstly, if you spray the clear coat thick enough, it will cover all the imperfections in the paint job. Wrong! Thick clear coat is the best magnifying glass ever invented. Grumpy just hasn’t figured that out yet!

Secondly, why build a model’s interior, if you can just paint the windows black? So, everything he builds has this sinister gangsta look about it!

Thirdly, who needs a suspension when half a dozen kebab sticks and a kilogram of epoxy glue will do a better job? Do you want a good laugh? Next time you are in “The Garage”, pick up one of his models and look underneath. It looks like a Grade 3 woodwork project!

And finally, if you stick 24-inch chrome wheels on the thing, everyone will be so stunned, that they will not even notice the black windows and the undercarriage’s amateur carpentry! Yeah, sure!

That’s enough ranting from my side – I just thought that you needed to know the truth.

Anyway, I still have him tied up and under my control, so it seems a bit of a waste to let him go. Hmmm, what is a woman to do? I think we’ll start off with a bit of gardening, and then we’ll go shopping for a nice fluffy kitten. For lunch we’ll have a selection of vegetables and herb tea. After lunch we’ll go to the flower show in the city hall and tonight we’ll rent a movie – I believe that “101 Dalmatians” is available.

Tomorrow you can have Grumpy back again, but somehow I don’t think that he’ll be quite the same! Until then …

enjoy the peace and quiet!

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