I don’t know what it is with me – I think I’m magnetic, because I seem to attract every telemarketer or survey-taker in the country. You know how it is – it’s 8.30 on a Friday night, Mrs Grumpy has gone to bed early, you have a stash of brews on ice and “Dertig Nul Ses” thundering on the stereo. You are concentrating on attaching that little photoetched logo on the Camaro’s dashboard without launching it into hyperspace, when the phone rings. Your first reaction is to let the damn thing ring, but then you remember that your pal has promised to let you have the cell number of Chris Williams who is emigrating to NZ at the end of the month and is selling his whole collection of about 700 rare American kits for peanuts. So you answer and the nasal voice from the other end whines, “Am I speaking to Mr Grumpy?” Yes, it is …
The Dreaded Telemarketer!
At this stage, you tell them to bugger off and leave you alone, but they see this as a challenge and they renew their resolve to sell you stuff you don’t need at prices you cannot afford. Clearly, new strategies are needed to get rid of these pests, so I’m happy to share my proven tactics with you!
Health Plan Salesperson:
Caller: Good evening Mr Grumpy, I’m from Recovery Health.
Grumpy: Hi, I’m glad you phoned. Perhaps you can help me with this embarrassing rash that I have developed. It started last week after my mates and I went on a boy’s night out. And now I think my wife has also caught it. Every time I go to the …
Caller: Good evening Sir. I’m from the Telesell Home Network and I would like to tell you about our amazing offer for …
Grumpy: Sorry, did you say “Telesell”? I used to work for them and they still haven’t paid me. Have you been paid yet?
Caller: Er … CLICK
Caller: Good evening Sir. How would you like a free holiday for life? We are offering …
Grumpy: Wait. How did you get hold of my number? I’m in the Witness Protection Program and I need to talk to your supervisor immediately.
Caller: Good evening Mr Grumpy. I am from the ACDP and I’m phoning to ask you if Mr Gibson can depend on your vote in the upcoming election.
Grumpy: I’ve decided to put my vote out to tender. I’ve already had offers from the DA and the ANC. If Mr Gibson would like to tender for my vote, he needs to text his offer to this number before 20 April.”
Life Insurance Salesperson:
Caller: Good morning. I would like to take five minutes of your time to tell you about the great life cover deal we have this month.
Grumpy: Does your policy come with a free pony?
Caller: Er … No.
Grumpy: Well I’m very sorry; I’m really not interested if there’s no free pony!
Survey-Taker looking for the Missus:
Caller: Good evening. Can I speak to Mrs Grumpy?
Grumpy: Sorry, she’s in the bath.
Caller: Is Mr Grumpy there?
Grumpy: What??? That bitch told me she’s not married! Boy, am I gonna beat the crap outta her now!!!
Caller: Good evening Sir. How are you?
Grumpy: I’m terrible. I got fired from my job today, and I had to walk home because my car got stolen. But that’s not the worst. My son’s in jail for drug-running and my wife hangs out with the Hells Angels every evening. Last night I went to a strip club to drown my sorrows and there I saw my daughter on the stage. But, the worst is that …
Book Club Salesperson:
Caller: Good evening. Is that Mr Grumpy?
Grumpy: Yeah, it sure is, and today I’d like to tell you about a wonderful new product we have that will help to relieve all your aches and pains. Just one application before you go to bed and you too can enjoy a great night’s sleep. And, if you purchase today, we will include, completely free of charge, two months’ supply of …
Cellphone Service Provider:
Caller: Good evening, I would like to tell you about our great off-peak contract.
Grumpy: I’m very interested in what you have to say, but I have to decline because I’m Amish and we do not believe in using telephones!
Caller: Huh? But you just … CLICK
Credit Card Salesperson:
Caller: Good evening Sir, how are you this evening.
Grumpy: You are calling the Blue Fantasy Adult Phone Service. All calls are charged at $7.50 per minute. Which “hostess” would you like to speak to?
I hope these help. Remember, keep modelling and …
Don’t get distracted!