Maybe I’m not a natural born romantic (probably I’m just cheap), but I just don’t get the whole idea of giving flowers. It seems so stupid to me to demonstrate my affection by killing and dragging home a handful of beautiful long-stems which will end up in the dumpster within a week. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done some stupid things to impress women, but I don’t understand why men try to impress ladies by offering them freshly killed plant life – or why women are impressed by it. Perhaps we should try showing up for a date with a freshly killed cat. I’m sure they wouldn’t be so enamoured then – although I must say, I’d pay big money to see that action!
I think there are a lot of things you could give to a potential mate that would be far superior to flowers, something that proves that you are in the relationship for the long haul, like a three quarter race cam or a really good knife. Nothing says long‑term commitment like a life‑time warranty. But I wouldn’t stop there. I’ve got lots of suggestions for …
Stuff to Impress the Chicks
Fresh Meat: Everybody loves a coupla pounds of steak. Of course, if she’s a vegetarian, you may want to consider some pork or a nice plump chicken. (Tip: Avoid fish, it doesn’t travel as well in summer.)
Stuffed Animals: No, not those cute little teddy bears you buy in the gift shop. That doesn’t take any effort. Go and kill yourself the prettiest critter you can find, take it to a taxidermist and have it properly stuffed. (Tip: Ladies love a bunny, and if you watch for road kill you won’t have the hassle of a hunting trip.)
Beer: I’ve always believed that beer is the perfect gift. Even if she doesn’t drink, at least you’ll be happy – and if she really loves you, your happiness should be just as important to her as her own. (Tip: Show a little class, buy bottles instead of cans.)
Coupons: Women love coupons for all kinds of useful items such as groceries, hair‑care products, toothpaste, cook wear and all the other stuff that women love to receive. (Tip: They are easily available just by flipping open magazines and your local newspaper, so they won’t cost you a cent.)
Tools: If there is one thing that will endear you to a woman, it is tools. But remember that you are trying to impress, so they have to be classy, and nothing says class like a torque wrench. (Tip: Try to buy tools that come in a carry case, that way you do not have to waste money on wrapping paper.)
Time Alone: You know that she gets fed up with you, so what could be better than giving her some time alone. In order to do that, round up some mates and take off for a long weekend to a model show, the Street Rod Nationals or to the drag strip. That will give her the time to enjoy some solitude while she spring cleans the house and defrosts the fridge. (Tip: When you get home, try to look as if you haven’t enjoyed yourself.)
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But flowers are not the only thing we all waste money on. In my garage you will find not one, but a great variety of garden tools. We don’t have a garden, but if we ever do get one, we already own all the necessary implements to hoe it or till it, or whatever else you are supposed to do to a garden. There are also numerous small appliances that don’t work, stereo speakers, old clothes, books, magazines, wedding gifts we’ve never used, two double beds, about ten gallons of dried paint, a car door, two broken patio chairs, a burnt out fax machine, half of an old motorcycle and either (I’m not sure which) a small dog or a very large rat.
By now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Grumpy, why the hell are you telling me this? Do you have a point?” Valid questions, and yes I have. Next time you’re at the model shop trying to decide if you should drop your hard‑earned cash on that latest model car kit, just go for it!
Really, have you ever regretted treating yourself to styrene? I didn’t think so. Just whip out the credit card and warm her up. I guarantee anything you buy in a model shop will last a lot longer than flowers. It also won’t wind up as part of that pile of garbage in your garage!
Until next time…
Remember to treat your girl!